State of the Empire, Part 3 of 4

Posted on 31/01/2011 by

0


It occurred to me, that I’m not really translating Newspeak into Oldspeak. Rather, I’m using Newspeak to make Obamaspeak make sense in Oldspeak. So, think of this as an exercise in Newnewspeak. Doubleplusgood, yes?

Grab your dictionaries, it’s time to get throughout the next portion!

See Part 1 here, and Part 2 here.

Over the years, a parade of lobbyists has rigged the tax code to benefit particular companies and industries. Those with accountants or lawyers to work the system can end up paying no taxes at all. But all the rest are hit with one of the highest corporate tax rates in the world. It makes no sense, and it has to change.

Over the years, a parade of lobbyists has constructed the tax code to benefit particular Party-controlled companies and industries. Inner Party members, of course, pay no taxes at all. But all the Proles pay one of the highest tax rates in the world. It makes perfect sense, and it will never change.

So tonight, I’m asking Democrats and Republicans to simplify the system. Get rid of the loopholes. Level the playing field. And use the savings to lower the corporate tax rate for the first time in 25 years – without adding to our deficit.

So tonight, I’m asking the Outer Party to simplify the system. Get rid of getting rid of the loopholes. Level the playing field even more to the Party’s favour. And use the savings to lower the Party corporate tax rate for the first time in 25 years – without adding to our deficit, and with adding to the Proles’ deficit.

To help businesses sell more products abroad, we set a goal of doubling our exports by 2014 – because the more we export, the more jobs we create at home. Already, our exports are up. Recently, we signed agreements with India and China that will support more than 250,000 jobs in the United States. And last month, we finalized a trade agreement with South Korea that will support at least 70,000 American jobs. This agreement has unprecedented support from business and labor; Democrats and Republicans, and I ask this Congress to pass it as soon as possible.

To help Party businesses crush more competition abroad, we set a goal of doubling our off-shoring by 2014 – because the more we off-shore, the more Party profits we create at home. Already, our profits are up. Recently, we signed agreements with India and China that will support more than 250,000 profit farms in the United States. And last month, we finalized a trade agreement with South Korea that will support at least 70,000 Party profit farms. This agreement has unprecedented support from Party and Party-friendly business and labor; I ask the Outer Party to pass it as soon as possible.

Before I took office, I made it clear that we would enforce our trade agreements, and that I would only sign deals that keep faith with American workers, and promote American jobs. That’s what we did with Korea, and that’s what I intend to do as we pursue agreements with Panama and Colombia, and continue our Asia Pacific and global trade talks.

Before the Party granted me this office, I made it clear that we would enforce our one-sided trade agreements, and that I would only sign deals that keep oppressing and disenfranchising American workers, and promote Party profit farms. That’s what we did with Korea, and that’s what I intend to do as we pursue agreements with Panama and Colombia, and continue our Asia Pacific and global trade talks.

To reduce barriers to growth and investment, I’ve ordered a review of government regulations. When we find rules that put an unnecessary burden on businesses, we will fix them. But I will not hesitate to create or enforce commonsense safeguards to protect the American people. That’s what we’ve done in this country for more than a century. It’s why our food is safe to eat, our water is safe to drink, and our air is safe to breathe. It’s why we have speed limits and child labor laws. It’s why last year, we put in place consumer protections against hidden fees and penalties by credit card companies, and new rules to prevent another financial crisis. And it’s why we passed reform that finally prevents the health insurance industry from exploiting patients.

To reduce barriers to growth and investment, I’ve ordered a review of government regulations. When we find rules that put an insufficient burden on Prole businesses, we will improve them. But I will not hesitate to create or enforce commonsense safeguards to protect the Party. That’s what we’ve done in this country for more than two centuries. It’s why our Party food is safe to eat, our Party water is safe to drink, and our Party air is safe to breathe. It’s why we have speed limits for Proles and Party-child labor laws. It’s why last year, we claimed to put in place Prole-protections against hidden fees and penalties by credit card companies, but really didn’t; and likewise new paper rules to supposedly prevent another financial crisis. And it’s why we passed reform that finally allows the Party health insurance industry to fully exploit Prole patients.

Now, I’ve heard rumors that a few of you have some concerns about the new health care law. So let me be the first to say that anything can be improved. If you have ideas about how to improve this law by making care better or more affordable, I am eager to work with you. We can start right now by correcting a flaw in the legislation that has placed an unnecessary bookkeeping burden on small businesses.

Now, I’ve heard rumors that a few Proles have some concerns about the new Party health care law. So let me be the first to say that what Proles think doesn’t matter. If you have ideas about how to improve this law by making care better or more affordable, stuff it, you’re just Proles. However, we Party members can start right now by correcting a flaw in the legislation that has placed insufficient bookkeeping burdens on small businesses.

What I’m not willing to do is go back to the days when insurance companies could deny someone coverage because of a pre-existing condition. I’m not willing to tell James Howard, a brain cancer patient from Texas, that his treatment might not be covered. I’m not willing to tell Jim Houser, a small business owner from Oregon, that he has to go back to paying $5,000 more to cover his employees. As we speak, this law is making prescription drugs cheaper for seniors and giving uninsured students a chance to stay on their parents’ coverage. So instead of re-fighting the battles of the last two years, let’s fix what needs fixing and move forward.

What I’m not willing to do is go back to the days when insurance companies could deny someone coverage because of a pre-existing condition. I’m not willing to tell James Howard, a brain cancer patient from Texas, that his treatment might not be covered. I’m not willing to tell Jim Houser, a small business owner from Oregon, that he has to go back to paying $5,000 more to cover his employees. As we speak, this law is not making prescription drugs cheaper for seniors and giving uninsured students a chance to stay on their parents’ increasingly expensive coverage. So instead of re-fighting the battles of the last two years, let’s fix what needs fixing and move forward.

Now, the final step – a critical step – in winning the future is to make sure we aren’t buried under a mountain of debt.

Now, the final step – a critical step – in conquering the future is to make sure the Proles remain buried under a mountain of debt.

We are living with a legacy of deficit-spending that began almost a decade ago. And in the wake of the financial crisis, some of that was necessary to keep credit flowing, save jobs, and put money in people’s pockets.

We are living with a legacy of deficit-spending that began almost two hundred years ago. And in the wake of the financial crisis, some of that was necessary to keep Party credit flowing, save profit farms, and put money in Party members’ pockets.

But now that the worst of the recession is over, we have to confront the fact that our government spends more than it takes in. That is not sustainable. Every day, families sacrifice to live within their means. They deserve a government that does the same.

But now that the worst of the recession is over, we have to pretend to confront the fact that our government spends more than it takes in. The Proles believe that is not sustainable. Every day, Prole-families sacrifice to live within their means. They deserve a government that forces them to do more.

So tonight, I am proposing that starting this year, we freeze annual domestic spending for the next five years. This would reduce the deficit by more than $400 billion over the next decade, and will bring discretionary spending to the lowest share of our economy since Dwight Eisenhower was president.

So tonight, I am proposing that starting this year, we freeze annual Prole domestic spending for the next five years. This would pretend to reduce the deficit by more than $400 billion over the next decade, and will bring Proles’ discretionary spending to the lowest share of our economy since comrade Dwight Eisenhower was appointed president.

This freeze will require painful cuts. Already, we have frozen the salaries of hardworking federal employees for the next two years. I’ve proposed cuts to things I care deeply about, like community action programs. The Secretary of Defense has also agreed to cut tens of billions of dollars in spending that he and his generals believe our military can do without.

This freeze will only require painful cuts into the Proles. Already, we have frozen the salaries of non-Party federal employees for the next two years. I’ve proposed cuts to things I pretend to care deeply about, like Prole-community action programs. The Secretary of Defense has also pretended to cut tens of billions of dollars in spending that he and his generals believe won’t be missed by Party defence contractors.

I recognize that some in this Chamber have already proposed deeper cuts, and I’m willing to eliminate whatever we can honestly afford to do without. But let’s make sure that we’re not doing it on the backs of our most vulnerable citizens. And let’s make sure what we’re cutting is really excess weight. Cutting the deficit by gutting our investments in innovation and education is like lightening an overloaded airplane by removing its engine. It may feel like you’re flying high at first, but it won’t take long before you’ll feel the impact.

I recognize that some in this Chamber have jokingly proposed deeper cuts, and I’m willing to go along with those jokes and eliminate whatever the Proles can afford to do without. But let’s make sure that we’re doing it on the backs of our most vulnerable citizens. And let’s make sure what we’re cutting is really excess mollycoddling of the Proles. Cutting the deficit by gutting our investments in invasion and military education is like lightening an overloaded warplane by removing its bombs. It may feel like you’re flying high at first, but it won’t take long before you’ll miss the explosions.

Now, most of the cuts and savings I’ve proposed only address annual domestic spending, which represents a little more than 12% of our budget. To make further progress, we have to stop pretending that cutting this kind of spending alone will be enough. It won’t.

Now, most of the cuts and savings I’ve proposed only address annual Prole domestic spending, which represents little more than a pittance of our Party budget. To make further progress, we have to stop pretending that cutting this kind of spending alone will be enough. It won’t.

The bipartisan Fiscal Commission I created last year made this crystal clear. I don’t agree with all their proposals, but they made important progress. And their conclusion is that the only way to tackle our deficit is to cut excessive spending wherever we find it – in domestic spending, defense spending, health care spending, and spending through tax breaks and loopholes.

The Prolefeed Fiscal Commission I created last year made this crystal clear. I of course agree with all their proposals, and they made important progress. And their conclusion is that the only way to tackle our deficit is to cut excessive Prole spending wherever we find it – in domestic spending, non-defense spending, non-Party health care spending, and spending through Party-only tax breaks and loopholes.

This means further reducing health care costs, including programs like Medicare and Medicaid, which are the single biggest contributor to our long-term deficit. Health insurance reform will slow these rising costs, which is part of why nonpartisan economists have said that repealing the health care law would add a quarter of a trillion dollars to our deficit. Still, I’m willing to look at other ideas to bring down costs, including one that Republicans suggested last year: medical malpractice reform to rein in frivolous lawsuits.

This means further increasing health care costs, including programs like Medicare and Medicaid, which are the single biggest contributor to Proles’ long-term deficit. Health insurance reform will accellerate these rising costs, which is part of why non-Party economists have said that repealing the health care law would add a quarter of a trillion dollars to the Proles’ deficit. Still, I’m willing to look at other ideas to bring up Prole costs, including one that Party members suggested last year: medical malpractice reform to rein in non-frivolous lawsuits.

To put us on solid ground, we should also find a bipartisan solution to strengthen Social Security for future generations. And we must do it without putting at risk current retirees, the most vulnerable, or people with disabilities; without slashing benefits for future generations; and without subjecting Americans’ guaranteed retirement income to the whims of the stock market.

To put the Party on solid ground, we should also find a solution to sabotage Social Security for future Prole generations. And we must do it without alerting at-risk current retirees, the most vulnerable, or people with disabilities; without obviously slashing benefits for future generations; and without noticeably subjecting Proles’ guaranteed retirement income to the whims of the Party’s stock market.

And if we truly care about our deficit, we simply cannot afford a permanent extension of the tax cuts for the wealthiest 2% of Americans. Before we take money away from our schools, or scholarships away from our students, we should ask millionaires to give up their tax break.

And if we truly care about our profit farms, we simply cannot afford a non-permanent extension of the tax cuts for the wealthiest 2% of the Inner Party. Before we take money away from our military schools, or scholarships away from our soldiers, we should ask Prole-millionaires to give up their tax break.

It’s not a matter of punishing their success. It’s about promoting America’s success.

It’s a matter of punishing their success. It’s about promoting the Party’s success.

In fact, the best thing we could do on taxes for all Americans is to simplify the individual tax code. This will be a tough job, but members of both parties have expressed interest in doing this, and I am prepared to join them.

In fact, the best thing we could do on taxes for all Party members is to complicate the Proles’ tax code. This will be a tough job, but Party members have expressed interest in doing this, and I am prepared to join them.

So now is the time to act. Now is the time for both sides and both houses of Congress – Democrats and Republicans – to forge a principled compromise that gets the job done. If we make the hard choices now to rein in our deficits, we can make the investments we need to win the future.

So now is the time to act. Now is the time for both the Inner and Outer Party to forge a Party-line programme that gets the job done. If we make the hard choices now to build in Prole deficits, we can make the investments we need to conquer the future.

Let me take this one step further. We shouldn’t just give our people a government that’s more affordable. We should give them a government that’s more competent and efficient. We cannot win the future with a government of the past.

Let me take this one step further. We shouldn’t just give our people a government that’s more expensive. We should give them a government that’s more incompetent and inefficient. We will conquer the future with a government of the past.

We live and do business in the information age, but the last major reorganization of the government happened in the age of black and white TV. There are twelve different agencies that deal with exports. There are at least five different entities that deal with housing policy. Then there’s my favorite example: the Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they’re in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them in when they’re in saltwater. And I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked.

We live and do business in the information age, but the last Prolefeed reorganization of the government happened in the age of black and white TV. There are twelve different agencies that deal with exports. There are at least five different entities that deal with housing policy. Then there’s my favorite example: the Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they’re in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them in when they’re in saltwater. And I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked. My fellow Party members, we have done well.

Now, we have made great strides over the last two years in using technology and getting rid of waste. Veterans can now download their electronic medical records with a click of the mouse. We’re selling acres of federal office space that hasn’t been used in years, and we will cut through red tape to get rid of more. But we need to think bigger. In the coming months, my administration will develop a proposal to merge, consolidate, and reorganize the federal government in a way that best serves the goal of a more competitive America. I will submit that proposal to Congress for a vote – and we will push to get it passed.

Now, we have made great strides over the last two years in using technology and getting rid of wasted opportunities for profit farming. Veterans can now download their electronic medical records with a click of the mouse. We’re selling acres of federal office space that hasn’t been used in years, and we will cut through red tape to get rid of more. But we need to think bigger. In the coming months, my administration will develop a proposal to merge, consolidate, and reorganize the federal government in a way that best serves the goal of a competition-crushing Party. I will submit that proposal to Congress for a show vote – and we will push to get the Proles to believe that something will change for their benefit.

In the coming year, we will also work to rebuild people’s faith in the institution of government. Because you deserve to know exactly how and where your tax dollars are being spent, you will be able to go to a website and get that information for the very first time in history. Because you deserve to know when your elected officials are meeting with lobbyists, I ask Congress to do what the White House has already done: put that information online. And because the American people deserve to know that special interests aren’t larding up legislation with pet projects, both parties in Congress should know this: if a bill comes to my desk with earmarks inside, I will veto it.

In the coming year, we will also work to rebuild Prolefeed faith in the institution of government. Because Proles deserve to believe they know exactly how and where their tax dollars are being spent, Proles will be able to go to a website and get falsified information for the very first time in history. Because Proles should be honoured to know when their overlords are meeting with lobbyists, I ask Congress to do what the White House has already done: put that information online. And because Prolefeed is so effective that special interests can lard up legislation with pet projects without limit, both parties in Congress should know this: if a bill comes to my desk with earmarks inside, I will sign it into law.

A 21st century government that’s open and competent. A government that lives within its means. An economy that’s driven by new skills and ideas. Our success in this new and changing world will require reform, responsibility, and innovation. It will also require us to approach that world with a new level of engagement in our foreign affairs.

A 21st century government that’s opaque and consistently Party-oriented. A government that lives within the means of its plundering of the world. An economy that’s driven by new kills and profit farms. Our success in this new and changing world will require redaction, asymmetrical responses, and invasions. It will also require us to conquer that world with a new level of violent engagement in our Imperial affairs.

End of Part 3. See Part 4 here.

Creative Commons Licence
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Advertisements
Posted in: Humour